Glimpses From God and Subtle Reassurance

And there she appeared. Adorably dressed in a pale pink jumper with white tights-embroidered on the front pocket was a hot pink and blue birthday present. Her golden locks framed her round rosy cheeks amplifying that mischievous yet loving smile. It was Lydia!
The elation I felt when I picked her up and held her in my arms, squeezing her tightly, I cannot put into words. Overcome with warmth and happiness, I could feel my soul slowly being filled with joy, providing that elusive sense of wholeness.  It was absolutely indescribable yet complete bliss!

I tried to get her some drink water from the fountain.  She took a couple of sips. Somehow in my mind I believed if she drank, she would stay with me. Not wanting to let go, I ran my fingers through her beautiful hair, taking note of her sweet scent. Oh how I loved her so much.
Lydia grinned back at me so sweetly, saying “I love you,” and then, just like that she was gone.
Tossing and turning, I was slowly waking up trying to process my current reality from my perfect dream world.  I tried unsuccessfully for minutes to fall back asleep, desperate to grasp more time with my girl.  Hot tears fell down my face.  How could it have been ten years since my five year old left for heaven?

The wholeness I felt was incredible, even if only for a few minutes. To experience this sensation was a wonderful blessing.    And then I woke up to navigate this earthly world without my girl. Again. Another day, wondering why me?  The most difficult thing any of us grieving, do.

However, if my dream was any indication of what it will be like when we are reunited again it will be so worth it.  I was given a reminder that this world we are in is only temporary and that a life of eternity awaits.  A place where there is no sorrow or pain, only pure joy and happiness.  It’s really there waiting for us. There’s salve for our hearts, relief from this pain we endure.
Dreams and moments like these bring perspective. Little pieces of the puzzle are gradually coming together, yet that doesn’t diminish the pain. We still carry it. However, I’ve learned that no matter our temporary physical separation, Lydia was there, waiting for me. Talk about comforting! I am reminded of the horrific suffering Christ endured for us, so that one day we can all live in eternal glory together.

momentsof youquote
Rubbing my eyes, I awakened to the singing of birds outside my window and the glimmer of sunshine on the snow. The beauty of life surrounded me inside and out.  Inhaling deeply, I whispered, “Yes, I can do this.  One day at a time. “

Pulling back the covers, I heard little voices coming from the living room. It was early and surely they were not awake already on a Saturday.  A peek down the hall revealed six young eyes glued to the television, watching the movie Annie.  Ahhh… Lydia’s favorite.  A movie they haven’t watched in years. Oh my heart.  And there it came.  High pitched off tune adorable voices singing Tomorrow.

“Just thinkin’ about
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
‘Til there’s none

 The sun’ll come out
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya tomorrow
You’re always
A day

Songwriters: Charles Strouse / Martin Charnin


Remembering how Lydia used to sing this very song while brushing our beloved dog, my spirit was lifted refueling me with the strength to conquer whatever was to come my way.   I’m here to tell you, hang on until tomorrow.  Never forget that our hope is renewed every day, come what may. There is nothing we can’t handle when Christ is on our side.


10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  1 Peter 5:10
Because maybe someone else needs to hear this. Maybe you are craving reassurance or are seeking a  flicker of hope for whatever difficult season you are traveling through. When things seem hopeless and the pain seems unbearable, remember He died for you. For me. For all of us. His love is never ending. His promises are worth more than any gold, possession, or social media following. At times of sorrow and pain, stand on His promises. Cling to them with all your might. You can do it.





Secondary Loss and Steak Sauce

We were on a boat and I could see the shore in the distance. A few old friends, some of Lydia’s old friends and me. No clue what we were doing there but it was nice to see everyone. Suddenly, the boat began taking on water and would soon succumb to the power of the ocean, but not before we reached the safety of land. Panic was setting in as my life flashed before my eyes and I scrambled to grab everything of Lydia’s that would fit in my tightly clenched arms. Her artwork, her purses that contained her lipstick and Kleenex, her hairbrush, stuffed animals and took them onto shore with me.

Afraid of what I might lose, which would be everything all over again? Just the thought of that brings sheer terror to my already fragile mind.

I grasped the box of her clothes, and everything else within my reach. As I look around to what would be left, everything contained a memory. These memories were something I could never lose, yet worked so tirelessly to keep.

It was petrifying and vividly real.

I awoke with my heart racing and took a deep breath as I realized it was all a dream. One that I will never forget.

What was I really afraid of?

The dream made me aware of how frightened I was, not wanting to lose her again. Secondary loss. After we have already lost the loved one, we desperately want to cling on and hang onto every last thread, everything they wore, everything they touched.

Being afraid we will forget and lose them all over again is terrifying. The photos, the videos, the clothes, the possessions mean more now than they ever did.

Some may call it strange, weird, or ridiculous, or needing to move on……I call it undying love.

Lydia’s favorite steak sauce was A-1. She called it, “1-A” sauce and requested it every time we would eat the delicious meat. After she died, and I opened the fridge a few months later, that bottle of “1-A” sauce became a coveted treasure. It stared at me, piercing me with the memories that it contained. And the tears followed, as I closed the door. This bottle remained in our refrigerator for years and even though empty, it accompanied us on our move to our new house. Today, it sits on my kitchen shelf above the sink where I look at often and smile.

Something so simple can bring an infinite amount of joy and endless memories.

The “1-A” bottle, the fingernail polish in my bathroom sink, the green headband hanging on the antelope in the living room, these lasting items become precious jewels containing magical moments of the past, yet when they are placed in the present, they represent the delicate dance in fantasy and reality. A balance of two separate pieces of time co-existing in the present moment.

It’s really quite incredible.


So display your treasures proudly and savor each and everything. The memories will be ignited by a brief glance and you will be so thankful you have them.