I was working on my book this evening and got out the box that contains my old journal from those first years. After reading several entries, I peered through the tears and came to the only entry from November 2009, and it was dated 11/16/09.  Today. So I read it.  Coincidence?   Nah….I think I was supposed to read it today.

And so I share with you….those raw emotions from five years ago this very day, 16 months after Lydia died……

Today is baby Andrew’s six month birthday. He looks so much like you. I can’t believe it. I wish you were here to hold him and play with him.  You always wanted lots of brothers and sisters. I love you so much and miss you more than ever.  Your birthday is in two weeks. You would’ve been seven years old. Oh what I would give to have you here and watch you grow.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world because you are not here with us.  It was my job to protect you and love you and teach you. Your brother is growing every day and looks and acts a lot like you.  Sometimes I have to look twice because he  sounds so much like you.  A couple of days ago he woke up and said he had a dream where he was on a unicorn and flew up to heaven and saw you.  He was so excited telling me this. We saw a rainbow also a few days ago.  He said that is must be you and he blew you some kisses.  He loves you and misses you so much.”  

I’m so glad that I wrote these memories down, for me and my son.  He too missed his sister (and still does). For over three years, she was all he had known. It was so beautiful and made me incredibly thankful that he got to see her in Heaven.  We pray endlessly for visits in our dreams from our loved ones who have passed. Our hearts just need to be open and our minds in the right place. And when they come, we grasp them tightly, never wanting them to end.

Best Buddies!



12 thoughts on “Journals and Dreams-My Journal 11/16/09

    1. Thanks for sharing. Yes, she was so full of personality at that fun age! Every moment, even the pull your hair out, want to hide in bed moments, are such a gift. You just have to keep telling yourself that and find the blessing in the moment. For sure it’s not always easy, but there will always be one! 🙂

  1. Tears, my friend — of both sadness for your loss and adoration of your strength. Thank you so much for sharing. Our God is so good. So, so good. Thank you for sharing your story with us. ❤

  2. Thank you Bill for taking time to comment and read my story. I am in awe of how God works and how his strength can carry us through the darkest times.

  3. I was never one to journal, but received one as a gift after our son died. It was like, once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. It’s a great outlet – sometimes a place to say things others don’t want to or can’t bear to hear. It’s also a reminder of what it was like those early days. As I read, it transports me right back to that time…

    1. You are right, journaling is a great outlet. I never really was dedicated to my journaling either. Reading back from those early days is indeed painful and what a glimpse into the mind they give. Sometimes I can’t believe what I wrote. It’s amazing the transformations that can take place after time passes. Thanks for sharing!

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