Instantly my mind went there. Yeah. That excruciating place we often try to avoid. However, it only takes a split second and we grieving parents can go there. We know the feeling of tragedy, that unbearable, horrific pain of finding out our children have died.
My thoughts went back to those hours and days immediately after Lydia passed away. And today, one thing stood out to me.
I wanted to share these words again. Words I wrote eight years ago that are so meaningful at the present time.
Who answers the call in the middle of the night or day?
Who runs on minimal hours of sleep only to be awakened to the sound of tragedy as they leave to touch others with God’s hands in the darkness?
Who is on that team of first responders when devastation and disaster strikes?
Who spends their time counseling, offering advice and grace to those on the front lines, softening their trauma and providing crisis intervention?
Who effortlessly and confidently speaks the gospel to us during our most fragile and delicate hours?
Who reminds us of God’s word, supporting us with scripture when we need it the most?
Who tends to victims and families of catastrophe when there is no one to turn to?
Day in and day out, they put their own lives and families on hold, to be there for others.
They are a shoulder to cry on, a gentle ear to listen, irreplaceable servants that act selflessly to bring hope, peace and comfort to us during difficult times.
They are seldom recognized and often overlooked until we are directly impacted. Then who is right by our side, making us wonder where they came from and how they got there?
Who are these angelic and faithful beings?
Properly trained, yet naturally gifted and appointed by God that there’s no question this was their calling in life. Chaplains who have dedicated their own lives to helping others, which only a rare few could handle such a task.
So what’s in the heart of a chaplain?
From my own perspective, mercy and compassion are rooted deep in their souls.
The role of a chaplain is nothing short of extraordinary. Having been directly influenced and impacted by my experience, I’ve found it’s a must share encounter that has been and still is, nothing short of positively life changing.
Upon arriving at the hospital via ambulance, waiting for me was a chaplain. I always knew who chaplains were and believed I knew what they did, but honestly I never really gave them a second thought.
This time was different. I was face to face with one and now they were here for me.
He stayed with us, never wavering, through the first few hours and days after the accident. He guided us as to what to do and have at the memorial. He wanted to get to know our daughter as he wrote the obituary while we gathered on our front lawn, telling of her stories and interests as if she was still here.
Our chaplain comforted me and filled the uncomfortable silence of our home, using every moment needed to speak God’s word as he listened to my gut wrenching cries for help as I begged and pleaded, asking why. Why her? Why not me?
All of these years later, I’m not going to kid you, it’s not been easy. It’s been dark, dreary, lonely, frightening, heartbreaking and unbelievable. It seems like so long ago, it is, but it isn’t. Six years.
How did I survive this long?
Well, I have received the hands of God and His grace.
He showed up at the hospital and was there when we were told the news, guiding us on what to say to our surviving son. His gentle words, soft voice and patient heart was exactly what we needed as we began this unknown journey.
Two days later, we were told we had to be at the funeral home at 10 AM.
What I saw next before my eyes, I could not believe.
Lydia was being transported from the big city to our local town, with an entire 45 mile police escort down the freeway.
Three motorcycles in front, flanked the van with Lydia in the middle, and then three more motorcycle officers behind, complete with colored lights flashing in the distance. The tears started to roll down my face as my breathing became labored. Was this real or was I imagining? What was I seeing? Some heart breaking Lifetime movie? No, this WAS real, and soon this became the second longest day of my life. I watched, holding my breath as they pulled into the parking lot.
I had not been in a funeral home since I was 9 years old after my great-grandfather passed away, and now, my immediate family was in the parking lot in addition to my best friend and her family. Upon seeing them , I kept thinking to myself, this isn’t real, this isn’t happening., But it was. One by one, they took turns going to see Lydia one last time.
Then it was my turn.
I was petrified, I hesitated.
I waited in the parking lot until everyone was done, as I couldn’t bring myself to go in there. Afraid of what she may look like, afraid of seeing my daughter not alive, thinking of my last moments with her and how I wanted to remember her. How could I do this? How could any mother do this? Did I have to go in? So many questions and he answered them all.
Our Chaplain held my hand as we slowly walked in. We were seated in a room to the side where I couldn’t see anything but a giant curtain where several rows of pews were set up. We sat for what felt like an eternity mostly in silence. After some time had passed, he asked me questions, and gave me thoughts on experiences and what other families had chosen to do. I sat quietly sobbing, clutching her favorite stuffed zebra, wiping my tears for many hours. Just knowing what was behind that curtain was terrifying , heartbreaking, and so surreal.
This compassionate man sat next to me, patiently letting me stare off into space, with moments of uncontrollable sobbing in between, for hours on end, not once rushing me or pushing me one way or another. As the hours ticked by my indecisiveness faded. He looked at me and said “If you go see her, you won’t regret it.”
This man, I trusted him with my whole being. I felt safe with him. Suddenly I knew I needed to see behind the curtain. We walked through and sat on a bench towards the back of the room. Up in the front of the room, I could see her. My girl.
Lydia looked beautiful with her strawberry blond hair draped with her hot pink silk headband peacefully resting, all dressed in her high school musical shirt, floral skirt, and rainbow striped tights, complete with hot pink fingernails, courtesy of her beloved Nana. Yes, I know she loved her outfit. This mom did one thing right.
At the time, my husband then came in. I gave him her stuffed zebra, Marty, to put beside her along with our family picture. I watched with uncertainty as he carefully placed them next to her.
I didn’t take pictures as I didn’t want to remember her this way, but I didn’t want to leave either. Walking out that door was a horrible feeling of permanency, like closing the door to a vault, never being able to open it again.
He was right. I did not regret it. Even though I stayed at a distance, I still was able to see my precious girl. One last time. A moment I will never forget.
This chaplain was patient, soothing, and real. He told me the hard stuff and offered encouragement when he could. There were some words I needed to hear, others I couldn’t stand. Easily, I could have spiraled downward at an alarming rate with no hope in sight. Yet I didn’t. His hands were upon me.
I thought I knew what a chaplain was, however, what I knew was just the tip of the iceberg. What he did in those long hours and days would forever set the path and tone of my future grieving.
Now, years after Lydia died, I remain an avid supporter of chaplaincy services. Feeling compelled to share my appreciation, I wrote a letter to my chaplain expressing my gratitude for all he has done for me. A letter he told me he takes out and reads periodically, as it touched his heart so deeply.
My story is just that, mine. A tiny piece of the puzzle. Imagine the thousands of people who have been touched by chaplains all over the world. God is at work. God is here during those times when it’s so easy to question him and all he stands for.
Here’s to all the chaplains out there. May we intentionally seek out and support those who are impacting lives and making a difference. Share your experience, let them know they are appreciated, needed, valued, and so loved! A few simple words can make all the difference.