Feeling overwhelmed this week, I are reminded that I too am vulnerable, as I succumbed to my stubbornness and had to face the reality of my feelings. It became evident that I am not immune to runaway emotions and found myself engulfed by memories of the past and present.
Moving into our new house is so exciting, yet so strange. Here I am in a beautiful house full of life, however, I find myself the last few days, stocked full of anxiousness and nervousness, faced with a new challenge.
I wasn’t sure if it was just being in new place or in a new place without my daughter. After we began unpacking and putting the children’s rooms together the time had come to move Lydia’s belongings.
They sat in the basement staring at me as I did laundry, eyeing me as they begged and taunted me to open them. Afraid of the myriad of emotions to come should I choose to open them, I hesitated. However, it wasn’t long before I caved to the pressure and lifted the lid off the first pink tote where her name was carefully written.
Not ready to see them as they were so up close and personal, it was there that I found pictures of her memorial service. It caught me off guard, sending me crumbling down to the floor into a heap of tears, and that was just the first box!
I’ve found that now after nearly six years, I have developed a pattern in my grieving. Days and some weeks, even months can go by without a tear, yet overtime I can feel the anxiety building up, only to be touched by waves of sorrow unexpectedly, which ends up consuming my entire day. Then, after the heaviness is lifted off my shoulders, the cycle begins to build again. The pain is always there, subdued and softened, but I carry it with me, the daily dull aching of a life that once was.
It’s bizarre how at times it feels like ages ago when she was here, yet is can also feel like just yesterday. Part of my issue is that the horrid month of July is here and somehow it creeped upon me without me even knowing. Oh, how I dread this month.
In a matter of days, it will be six years since I last held my precious daughter. Finally, I found the underlying root of my horrible feelings. I didn’t realize it was so close. How could it be six years already? For others who don’t know, the last six years walking in my shoes has been a trek of survival. Cement filled boots have been glued to my feet taking every ounce of my being to be able to move forward one step at a time.
But I have done it and I have survived. Thank goodness God has been with me to hold me up and bear my burdens, giving me strength to face each new day. I am reminded that these tides of wild emotions too shall pass as I quietly count my blessings.
On a lighter note, the new home is wonderful. We love it. I am reassured and confident that we made the right decision. So many memories of this place as a child bring smiles to my face each day.
The crazy antics of my children have also been in full swing. From spilled cereal melted on the dash of my car, to daily fishing in the toilet, I guess it’s good their daily patterns haven’t been interrupted as they continue their unpredictable gestures.
As I was unpacking making trips to the car and back, I went inside and found my daughter giggling loudly as she was swinging from the freezer door in the kitchen, hanging by her hands with her legs bent, back and forth like it was a carnival ride.
The new place has also proven to be quite entertaining for the children as they explore the outdoors, overjoyed to have somewhere to call home.
The wildlife here has definitely been something to talk about. In a couple of short days, we’ve been hosts to multiple deer and a stray Angus bull trotting through the alley making a brief appearance on our back lawn. We’ve also had the pleasure and pain of waking up to multiple chickens and roosters who have taken a fancy to the yard as they served as our unwanted alarm.
Add that to two horses randomly showing up to hang out in the yard, and being blessed with a near miss hang glider swooping down by our heads, oh yes, this place is full of adventure!
Thanks to all my loyal readers who join me along this journey. Life is what we make it!