Back To School Blues

The night before kindergarten…..oh my… but before I get to that I thought I would share a bit of humor that has plagued me this week.

So my car is making the gossip circuit around town, as people are questioning how I can see off the dash with all the stuff that is piled there!  I don’t know what to tell them, other than I guess that’s just how it is. The dash is a spectacular place to hold things if you haven’t figured this out. Worrying about it takes a second seat to my many other duties in life. I seem to have a repeat of days when I’m not shocked to find the evidence of the children’s lunch, consisting of half eaten cantaloupe rinds, on the back bumper after driving around town all afternoon. One day it was cantaloupe, the next I found a tube of toothpaste. Who knows how long they had been there or how many astonished looks I had received.  I found it to be worth a few laughs.  Any guess as to what’s next?

You see, my car is where we all seem to end up spending an inordinate amount of time as we jump from one activity to another…after school sports, hunting, grocery shopping and even to grandma’s and back. Lots of hours we spend on the road.  As a result, I’m not afraid to admit that at times my car does contain a faint smell of spilled milk combined with melted chocolate, rotten bananas accompanied by the scent of a pile of dirty boy socks! I try to clean it out every weekend, but regardless of my efforts, it’s back to square one on Monday!

Which brings me back to this week.  The first day of school.

As my little guy eagerly packed his backpack full of school supplies and laid out his new clothes, inside I was trembling with feelings of the past and present. Oh how this time of year brings with it many difficulties and painful memories.

All tucked in bed, complete with his magic confetti sprinkled lightly under his pillow luring him to sleep, I sat in the dark and said a prayer. A prayer for strength as I reminisced about what might’ve been and thought of what was to come.  My black mascara smeared ever so dark on the sleeves of my shirt reflected a mother’s undying love for her children.  As I was overcome with sadness, the tears flowed like raindrops as I felt the pain of the past, present, and future all at the same time.  How was this possible?

Knowing how excited she was to start kindergarten, I felt a hurt deep in my heart. A hurt so painful, yet strange, different, and hard to describe as my first rainbow baby now experiences a milestone she never will.  Lydia should be enjoying her first days as a sixth grader.

Wow, a sixth grader, junior high.

Secretly, part of me years for my old life, if even for a few short moments.  Yet I know she is rejoicing in her eternal home with our heavenly Father.  How I long to see her, hold her, and tell her I love her just one more time.

And now, where has the time gone. My little rainbow is now starting school and my sunshine son is a fourth grader? I am still in disbelief at how fast life passes by without us noticing.

For now, as I hug my children who are about to embark on a new year of adventures in school, I choose to live in this moment, appreciate the time I have been given with them and count all the blessings that surround me.