The other night, I was given the answer. An answer I had waited for years earlier, but in time my impatience diminished as I grew to trust God and hope for the best.
I was always one to walk the floors in the night concerned for my family’s well-being, and it was not uncommon to find me peering in their doorways, grasping that reassurance that I needed during the deep hours of the night. Two weeks before the accident, I awoke suddenly in darkness, finding my heart beating ever so rapidly, having difficulty breathing, and covered in perspiration.
Still partially asleep and frightened by the horrific accident that had just plagued my mind, I jumped up, ran into my daughter’s room to make sure she was alright, then my son’s. Finding them sleeping peacefully, I calmed myself and was reminded that what felt so real, was only a dream….yet days later, that excruciating dream would become my reality.
At the time of the accident, recognizing that her injuries were serious, I prayed and prayed for God to save my daughter as I bargained and pleaded for him to take me instead of her. At that moment, my mind kept saying that it would be okay if she was forever handicapped or disabled, at least she would be alive, and I could be with her. Looking back, how selfish was this?
I didn’t know how to live without her and was petrified of such a thought. Yet, He didn’t answer my prayer. Instead, I was overcome with feelings and raging emotions… Angry, afraid, lost, lonely, guilty, ashamed, weak, helpless, and oh so heartbroken and sad. Where was God?
This was the new me. How had I become this? So NOT me. Who was I?
This wasn’t fair. God didn’t save her. But yet He did.
Next month will be six years since I last held my baby girl in my arms, and just a few nights ago, I received the answer I had wanted long ago.
I awoke, realizing my time with her was nothing more than a dream. Yet, it was so real, like a scene from a movie so well-played. We were on the fifth floor of the children’s hospital in the big city. It was my first time seeing her since the accident and I was a ball of nerves. Not sure what to expect, afraid of what I might see but longing for my child, I sobbed as the tears flooded down my face, leaving me short of breath as I leaned on my best friend, hesitating before I entered her room.
We surrounded her bed; all five of my children were together, four of them looking over their sister, the princess and bright soul they had known, lying still in the bed with machines all around. They sang her favorite tunes and took turns holding her hands.
Then it was my turn. With tears streaming down my sullen face, I took her hand and kissed her forehead. I leaned down, smelling her golden locks, touching her beautiful hair.
I told her how much I loved her and I was able to say goodbye every day as our visits came to an end. Able to sit and talk to her and having her respond in ever so slightest way, knowing she heard me, was something I would take. Spending those moments with her were irreplaceable.
It was only a dream, however, in retrospect; I know God had spoken to me. He had answered my prayer, letting me know why, showing me that He had saved her and saved us, her family from a life of pain. He took her directly to the place where sunshine, butterflies, smiles and love were endless.
So why did he wait nearly six years to tell me why my baby girl had to die?
He HAD saved her from a life of despair. Looking back, her injuries so severe, she would have been miserable and her quality of life would have been extremely poor. He knew I wasn’t strong enough to live with the pain and guilt.
You see, if He had revealed this to me a few years earlier in my grief, I would have been most likely at a place where I wouldn’t have been able to handle it and unable to recognize the message behind it, not able to see the blessings He has bestowed upon me. Praise God!
I found myself again on another road trip with my tribe and the circus started long before we left the driveway. It started off with me finding my wallet dripping wet in a puddle of water on my center console and my purse laying upside down with the entire contents strewn about the front seat, with a toddler tangled in scotch tape smiling at me. Eventually, we got underway and I soon was reminded that hours in the car with four children makes way for some interesting conversation and events! We were halfway into our day long journey, when my nine-year old blurted out,
“Mom, I need an engagement ring.”
“What?” I asked, totally shocked at what I had just heard.
“I need an engagement ring for my wife, and how do I propose?”
Wow! A conversation I wasn’t expecting for quite some time. It seems my big boy has become quite smitten with a little girl at school, (and I thought nothing surprised me anymore!) I smiled and replied,
“ We can talk about that in a few years.”
This sweet comment coming from the boy who just last night told me that I looked like my mother from behind, my derriere, so to speak, making my jaw drop.
Oh, how I love that boy!